I haven’t visited my own blog in a few months. Months and months ago, I made a firm decision that I HAD to heal myself. Part of this was writing out some really hard feelings I had inside, resulting in this blog. Unfortunately, that means the majority of this has been from a dark place. It’s hard for me to read and I wrote it. It’s crazy what a few months time and true healing does to your mind set. The person who started this blog was angry, and hurt.
Now, I’m healing. And I’m not angry. What a relief, a large burden lifted. Anger is truly poisoning yourself, it’s a necessary emotion at times, but certainly not to hold on to. I can honestly say I feel more emotionally healthy than I ever have in my entire 26 years. Do I still have a lot of work to do? Hell yes.
That leads me to what brought me here to write. Yesterday, a poisonous apple was dropped in my lap. A tempting apple that would derail all the progress I’ve made. It has gotten me many, many, times in the past.
But luckily, I’m not Snow White, and I realized quickly what it was. It was a test to see how far I’ve come. What I’m referring to is a message that came in through my younger sibling from my mother. The one who really inspired almost all of the anger in the early days of this blog. It was a short, brief message. Just long enough to throw in an insult but in the same sentence try to light heartedly discount what happened close to a year ago, that caused turmoil in my heart. This is a typical maneuver in her book, and I’d fallen for it so many times. The funny thing is, it came at a very vulnerable time for me. I was on hour 26 with no sleep, taking care of a sick toddler. A very easy time for me to lose my cool or cave in.
But, unbeknownst to her, I’ve changed. I replied once, and then ignored the messages that came after. I wished my brother well. He will always carry a piece of my heart. I discussed what happened and the message with the ones closest to me…and then I did something I’ve never done. I moved on. Let it go. I wasn’t tempted to go back in and say ok, let’s work this out. Let’s talk, let’s hash it out so I can set myself up for more hurt.
For me, this is huge. I look in the mirror these days and I don’t hate what’s staring back at me. I don’t doubt that girl so much. I look at my kids, husband, friends and family. I think about how so many wonderful things have happened for me and my relationships with them since I made the decision to rid the toxic relationships of my life and heal myself. I’m truly breathing new, refreshing, clean air. I’m in a much, much, better place and I won’t let anyone jeopardize that.
So you know what I did with that poisonous apple? I threw that sucker right into the trash can and then took that trash can to the curb.
Cheers to new beginnings and to the even brighter days ahead.